The waiter drops by to ask, “Are you two interested in any after dinner coffee or maybe a shareable tiramisu!?” I pause and look at her to see her body language. She smiles and raises her hands and shoulders, putting the pressure back on me to decide. I laugh and say ” I don’t think I could have another bite after that dinner we just devoured. It was excellent.” They both smile and the waiter walks away probably wondering why he even asks if people want dessert. I take a deep breath and look across at her. It’s been one of the best dates full of laughter, story trading, and even the occasional silence where we just get lost in each other’s eyes.
It’s going so well, I actually don’t think it could be going any better. And then… It HAPPENS.
She goes to say something but I can’t hear her. Her lips, those nice lips, are moving but I can’t make out the words. It’s like the energy in the room has also changed and I am the reason for this sudden shift of presence. I start to have thoughts but they’re not really my thoughts. And they are rapid… rapid statements and fragmented sentences.
Just when everything was going so well, I let my inner guard down and FEAR walks in as the unannounced third wheel. I didn’t say anything wrong. And neither did she. But that doesn’t matter, because FEAR can show up whenever it wants to. And it does just that.
” It seems as if when everything is going better than planned, we are in disbelief of our current state. It’s a flow state, and it moves the evening along oh so smoothly. It’s a state that is never forced, and when it is forced, there is no such flow state.”
Why do we get interrupted by FEAR? Why does FEAR stop us in our tracks? What is FEAR? Fear seems to be created by the Ego which is separate from the self. On the other hand, the flow state is in harmony with the self.
So, what if the Ego creates FEAR, what if the mind is one of the ego’s favorite tools?
The mind is an amazing tool, when focused in the right direction. When we aren’t mindful with our mind, it can come up with some pretty ridiculous thoughts. Let’s say for example, it comes up with FEAR based thoughts like…
“Can she tell that I am sweating?”
“She’s not having fun and is bored with our conversation”
“She might be a vegetarian, and I just took her to a steakhouse”
and the grand daddy of them all, “What if someone broke into my car or stole it? Did the valet park it in a safe space on the street?”
Guys and ladies , we have all had this thought if we are the driver on a night out. These thoughts are all fear-based and if she could read your mind, I bet she would be super confused about where these thoughts are coming from. And you are super confused and now you can’t even hear her because FEAR is always playing at maximum volume in our upstairs zone.
Chad Grills, co-founder of the Mission Daily Podcast ( highly recommended if you like to optimize your life daily) says that FEAR stands for…
False Evidence Appearing Real
A light went off in my head after hearing this and I created this quick exercise that you can try yourself to help you throw away FEAR and remain positive + present next time that date is going so well.
SUPPLIES NEEDED
- 8 1/2 x 11 Paper
- Your Favorite Writing Tool
- A Nearby Trashcan
STEPS
- Draw 3 lines and break the page up into 3 sections
- In the top section, write down your 5 biggest FEARS that first come to mind ( write in large text if you can ). *Fear is always at max volume, so we are going to turn down that volume*
- In the middle section, write down those same 5 FEARS from STEP 2, but in a smaller text.
- In the last section, write down this same 5 FEARS one more time, but write them as small as you can.
- Now, we are going to release these 5 FEARS
- Read the top section out loud at a high volume
- Read the middle section at a medium volume ( normal talking voice )
- Lastly, read the lower section in a whisper ( lowest volume )
6. Now comes the fun part : Crinkle up that little piece of FEAR with force like it just tried to ruin your vibe. Turn towards the nearest trash can and throw that fear away.
Throw that F.E.A.R Away
For added effect, run towards that trash can and dunk the shit out of that FEAR.
You have now taken a crack at your first shot to throw away your fear. By lowering the maximum volume of your fear, you were able to become mindful of your fears. ( If you think mindfulness is a hoax or some enlightened space reserved for buddhist monks, guess what!? You just practiced Mindfulness. )
Next time you are in that flow state and life couldn’t be any better, enjoy that shit. If FEAR tries to show up again unannounced, try out this exercise in your mind and see if you can throw that FEAR away. It will take some practice, but I hope it can serve you and allow you to maximize your best moments. And maybe even seal the deal on that next date.
